let’s analyze my heart.
Why am i not happy? why can’t i be just once satisfied with my life? why am i living a life like an open wound? why am i such a tortoise, who always expects for the worst?
i hide. i have secrets. well, most people have secrets. most people are afraid that once their secrets are revealed, their loved ones would not understand. people are afraid. i am so people.
i don’t feel good now, i can’t be what i want to be. i can’t forgive. read somewhere that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, no matter the other person deserves your forgiveness or not. i need to forgive, i need to let go, i need to think less about myself. I need to be brave, not spending my life wasted on fear all the time. Life is just once, that’s right, I keep telling my self, while on the other hand, I’ve been wanting to end it when I feel hurt. Do I sound depressed enough? well, this is what i am. this is how i think about things. you would find me so wise and mature, that’s because i have felt so many things inside my heart. but people expect you to be strong, right? people expect to see “not the real” you. there are also some people who don’t mind, they like you so much that they don’t mind if you’re being a jerk friend. it’s just, those people are rare, and the fact is, you’re not lovable. you’re just you, unpredictable and confusing, even to yourself.
so once again, why can’t i be happy, mom? why can’t i be like you? so happy and positive. even when things are hard, you manage somehow to be happy and thankful. or is it not the real you? are you as pathetic as i am? or is it you, the question is, how do you do it?
why can’t i be happy, mom? why am i always lonely, even when i have a so-called boyfriend or best friend. these questions are my FAQ, still i don’t have the answers coming from a textbook or people. i just need to find out myself, right? so that means i just need to keep on living. keep on fighting. keep on growing. keep on.
don’t know til when i will keep asking, without me feeling so depressed. don’t know til when i would also find people with the same struggle. is it just me? i believe it’s not.
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