thank you for loving me God
in every way you’re trying to convince me
that i am loved
thank you for listening to my heart cry
and wash my sorrow through my own tears
thank you for being here with me
and still let me do things alone so i can learn
thank you that you don’t despise me
when my darkest side even scares myself
thank you for the strength you’ve provided
through warm smiles from friends
and baby’s chuckles
thank you for reaching out first
when i’m too busy fixing things myself
my thank you will never be enough
looking forward to thanking you even more
oh yes, killing takes time, it needs sometimes too much dose of painkiller to stay alive, while i’m trying to kill my feelings, hopes, and the necessity to long for. on the other hand, i need to stay alive. i need to do routines, i need to concentrate on other things that seem as much as important or far more important than this process of killing.
today’s snowing again, it comes and goes. while i am sitting in front of the computer, suddenly it snows again, so i opened the window blind so i can see it clearly. but then as i opened it, it stop snowing and the sun shines again. i was planning to write a poem about snow, but now the sun tells me to do another thing. to enjoy its blessing and warmth, though only through eyes.
yes, i’m still feeling sad, i guess sadness has been the best companion to me. i listen to sad songs and enjoying being sad. i guess staying sad could make me stronger, than being happy. perhaps sadness could’ve been my painkiller all this time. perhaps not.
this morning i woke up, realizing even in my sleep i couldn’t stop thinking of a. so on the bathroom mat i knelt down once again, and said, God please hold me. Don’t let me walk alone, don’t let me escape this time. Let me kill my hopes and stay alive, because you see, that one hope is the one that is killing me.
anyway, i’m still writing the poem about snow i saw today. here it is:
snow… falling snow
asking why I’m so hollow
they fly from up above
to land on the earth so brown
me so hollow
yet fly so high
gravitation pulls me down
struck me with sadness
tears once again pouring
how it’s so hard
the art of letting go
i don’t know,
if feeling jealous
can make someone hard to sleep
can make someone dream weird
it can soak you up to the bottom
til you feel powerless
it can make you think like a fool
it can make you cursing the white snow
it can make you cry when you have no wounds
it can make you think about the person even more
it can make you blame yourself
it can make you wanna stop
it can make you wish today ends faster
it can make you care less about food
it can make you see the phone like a freak
waiting for a message that would never be sent
it can make you wish and wish harder
it can make you talk to yourself even more
it can make you frown
it absorbs yourself
filled with self-pity
it can make you hate someone, or them both
it can make you dry
it can make you not wanting to read your novel
it can make you just sit there
and do nothing
God, please take it away
whatever it is.
now i cry
over a silly thing
for you it might sound silly
for me it’s not
cos the silly thing
is you
“just you”
“just me”
aren’t they as beautiful as “we” and “us”?
it’s dangerous, it’s not good, it hurts (sometimes)
it’s addictive and unhealthy
a,
every time i start to want
to know what you are doing at certain times
what you have for lunch, or have you had any
when i want to call but never have guts
when i want to text but always hesitate
or simply just to see you through a stranger’s eyes
torturing (most of the time)
dangerous
unhealthy.
dear a,
why did you tell me all that,
all those detailed stories
of how they arrange things for you
did you tell it to everyone,
or just me
you don’t know,
you would never know,
you gave me balloons
and butterflies, yellow ones
in my stomach
the balloons I know will someday pop up
and leave me scars
the butterflies I know will someday fly away
butterflies never stay
all details
i remember
though I was doing errands
what i can’t remember is,
since when it goes that way
make me sleepy
then soon I sleep
today’s been so tiring
let me dream of butterflies, the yellow ones
let me dream of blond kids
running with their bare feet
let me dream of green meadows
touched by the paws of the shepherd dog
let me think no more
let me rest
let me have it
without cease
