guess today is full of sentimental things once again.
feel so tired. tired. sad. could hardly concentrate, don’t want to talk much, and just wanna sit alone staring at the window while i was on the train.
God, i realized how fragile i am. none of the things i expected could last more than a day. i feel like crying all the time, and don’t have even a slight energy to achieve things i am supposed to do.
it’s so funny how i feel so strong when things go the way that pleases me, and like today i feel so weak and just want to lie down on bed. no… i must be strong, i must look ahead. problems are there to be solved, aren’t they? i have God. i can always talk to him, and he will never dessert me.
i just need to take time. alone.
i also feel a bit strange about my own feeling toward someone. how i don’t wanna talk to her or even have a slight conversation, caused by my own self of realization, of how selfish she is. she only talks about herself, even when i am in trouble. well, what could i expect, huh? perhaps I’m too quick to judge, but i just feel that way, of course with reasons and facts.
one more thing.
there’s one thing I’m almost completely certain about a thing. i just can’t prove it. guess it’s just a hunch. my feelings are not always true, but many times i found them to be true.
will take a short nap for an hour. after that i will continue on living. again.
what makes one dare to ask a question, eventhough he knows already, than he wouldn’t like the answer.
i guess it’s something called: hope.
yup.. hope.
no matter how hard it is, you’re still gonna ask, coz you have hope, that something might come up the way you expect it. after all, your heart will stay wondering and wondering.
i just don’t get it. i just don’t understand, how come someone could be so different on monday and friday. on second thoughts, something painful would wake you up. wake me up from my own created-dream into reality. and my reality tends to be hurtful.
i still don’t get it, perhaps a few more years from now, i will not still get it. it’s a mystery. a destiny?
how come someone destined to be like me? do i suffer the way i don’t destined to? do i exaggerate life? am i too overwhelmed? am i too dumb? don’t i deserve even a slight happiness? can my direction be clear at last? hfff…
i went home this evening, my head was a bit too heavy for my shoulder and neck. i put my freezed hands into my pockets. i walked so slowly, enjoying every beat of the hurts I’m feeling inside. cannot stop telling myself “see? see? I told you!!!”
just need to pour this out. can’t do any better than this.
guess i haven’t written here lately
a good book is the one that can make you read it without realizing it was a book
a good movie is the one when you watch it, not realizing it’s a movie
a deep love is the one, when you’re in it, not realizing that you’re in love
I’m in a deep shit right now…
ysterday could be said that i was in euphoria, haven’t felt like that since long, and the happiness doesn’t like to stay long in my heart. it goes as soon after a few hours. days been raining again, and i couldn’t stop staring outside the window without thinking straight.
need a lot of caffeine.
God has answered my prayer. I was asking Him to give me signal about a week ago. But the way He answered it, or precisely the answer itself, sometimes is not what we expected. Yet still it’s the answer, like it or not. Somehow beneath your very own skin, you know it.
It hurts of course, but it is also such a relieve. Now that I know God doesn’t want me wasting around my time on something that endangers me. It’s my choice now, to be obedient. Trusting my whole life on Him, once again.
And the pain? let’s leave it to time 
let’s analyze my heart.
Why am i not happy? why can’t i be just once satisfied with my life? why am i living a life like an open wound? why am i such a tortoise, who always expects for the worst?
i hide. i have secrets. well, most people have secrets. most people are afraid that once their secrets are revealed, their loved ones would not understand. people are afraid. i am so people.
i don’t feel good now, i can’t be what i want to be. i can’t forgive. read somewhere that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, no matter the other person deserves your forgiveness or not. i need to forgive, i need to let go, i need to think less about myself. I need to be brave, not spending my life wasted on fear all the time. Life is just once, that’s right, I keep telling my self, while on the other hand, I’ve been wanting to end it when I feel hurt. Do I sound depressed enough? well, this is what i am. this is how i think about things. you would find me so wise and mature, that’s because i have felt so many things inside my heart. but people expect you to be strong, right? people expect to see “not the real” you. there are also some people who don’t mind, they like you so much that they don’t mind if you’re being a jerk friend. it’s just, those people are rare, and the fact is, you’re not lovable. you’re just you, unpredictable and confusing, even to yourself.
so once again, why can’t i be happy, mom? why can’t i be like you? so happy and positive. even when things are hard, you manage somehow to be happy and thankful. or is it not the real you? are you as pathetic as i am? or is it you, the question is, how do you do it?
why can’t i be happy, mom? why am i always lonely, even when i have a so-called boyfriend or best friend. these questions are my FAQ, still i don’t have the answers coming from a textbook or people. i just need to find out myself, right? so that means i just need to keep on living. keep on fighting. keep on growing. keep on.
don’t know til when i will keep asking, without me feeling so depressed. don’t know til when i would also find people with the same struggle. is it just me? i believe it’s not.
I’m terribly sad, that i think i wouldn’t be able to sleep last night. early morning I was awake, and realized that I wasn’t feeling sleepy and still had a few hours to sleep, but I just couldn’t.
The kind of sadness that makes you want to lock yourself at home and don’t want to meet anyone, don’t want to pretend.
God, give me strength. You’re my only strength and the only Person that can make me secure. Now is 12:41 in the afternoon, and I don’t know what else to do to kill time. I wish today ends sooner and the pain leaves me soon too. 
so… my mood is getting better during the night.
I let my mood swinging. Someone’s willing to be my psychiatrist? I guarantee, you won’t find many stories as mine. And I promise, I’ll try to be as honest as possible.
sensitive as an open wound…
tired of being like that. i keep telling myself, i should think less about myself, perhaps that way i would be much much happier than now. but i keep failing over and over again. and now here i am again, at the condition where i feel rejected and unwanted, it triggers me to feel lonely. and when i feel lonely, it’s the perfect time for me to feel that all i have left is God.
it’s just a simple thing that’s going on with me, but somehow it’s the bitter root within me that can’t let me be allright. I feel that if i can excuse many things just to be with a person, why can’t he/she do the same thing. I feel sick of myself once again. Great, after a very good news i receive this afternoon, another thing lets me down, i guess there will never be a prime condition where someone can feel totally happy with all things.
God, i complain too much. i know it’s not good for own heart, but i need to let this thing go. please make my heart wise. wise enough not to make a stupid decision. i need to think of other’s importance instead of just my own. i need to be mature. i need to let go, as it feels harder than the first time.
feel like taking all the words back and just disappearing.
oh my..
i think my mobile phone has a human magnet, it draws and pulls me to use it sending sms, something that i’ve been avoiding since yesterday.
God, please stop me before i do something stupid.
what day is it? o, it’s wednesday, but it feels just the same as yesterday. nothing special, except how i admire to see the sun and snow appeared together, fascinated us in the classroom. a man said, when the sun and snow appear together, it means the rabbits are giving births. the other man said, his mom said when the sun and snow/rain appear together, it means the fox are dancing outside the cave. my teacher said another thing, he said it means that the devil is having a wedding. all is weird.
i see it differently. i saw it, that when the snow and the sun appear together, the nature is teaching us humans to see, how they can work in harmony, though they contradict each other. snow is cold, the sun is hot. why can’t human be in harmony, despite of all the differences. ahh, i think i watch too much movies and read too much of novels. romance.
i miss a the whole day. sometimes i feel that i can’t take it any more, for it hurts so much not being able to know whether a misses me too or doesn’t even think about me. i don’t mind missing someone in a daily basis, but perhaps knowing how the other side feels could somehow ease the pain. it’s the pain i can’t bear.
i was waiting for just one sms or a phone call since yesterday, but i guess i could just keep on dreaming haha..
