what day is it? o, it’s wednesday, but it feels just the same as yesterday. nothing special, except how i admire to see the sun and snow appeared together, fascinated us in the classroom. a man said, when the sun and snow appear together, it means the rabbits are giving births. the other man said, his mom said when the sun and snow/rain appear together, it means the fox are dancing outside the cave. my teacher said another thing, he said it means that the devil is having a wedding. all is weird.
i see it differently. i saw it, that when the snow and the sun appear together, the nature is teaching us humans to see, how they can work in harmony, though they contradict each other. snow is cold, the sun is hot. why can’t human be in harmony, despite of all the differences. ahh, i think i watch too much movies and read too much of novels. romance.
i miss a the whole day. sometimes i feel that i can’t take it any more, for it hurts so much not being able to know whether a misses me too or doesn’t even think about me. i don’t mind missing someone in a daily basis, but perhaps knowing how the other side feels could somehow ease the pain. it’s the pain i can’t bear.
i was waiting for just one sms or a phone call since yesterday, but i guess i could just keep on dreaming haha..
oh yes, killing takes time, it needs sometimes too much dose of painkiller to stay alive, while i’m trying to kill my feelings, hopes, and the necessity to long for. on the other hand, i need to stay alive. i need to do routines, i need to concentrate on other things that seem as much as important or far more important than this process of killing.
today’s snowing again, it comes and goes. while i am sitting in front of the computer, suddenly it snows again, so i opened the window blind so i can see it clearly. but then as i opened it, it stop snowing and the sun shines again. i was planning to write a poem about snow, but now the sun tells me to do another thing. to enjoy its blessing and warmth, though only through eyes.
yes, i’m still feeling sad, i guess sadness has been the best companion to me. i listen to sad songs and enjoying being sad. i guess staying sad could make me stronger, than being happy. perhaps sadness could’ve been my painkiller all this time. perhaps not.
this morning i woke up, realizing even in my sleep i couldn’t stop thinking of a. so on the bathroom mat i knelt down once again, and said, God please hold me. Don’t let me walk alone, don’t let me escape this time. Let me kill my hopes and stay alive, because you see, that one hope is the one that is killing me.
anyway, i’m still writing the poem about snow i saw today. here it is:
snow… falling snow
asking why I’m so hollow
they fly from up above
to land on the earth so brown
me so hollow
yet fly so high
gravitation pulls me down
struck me with sadness
tears once again pouring
how it’s so hard
the art of letting go
I usually enjoy staying in my stupidity longer, instead of crying over it.
But now, it’s totally different, for I felt sad earlier, and have cried many times over this one.
Just like tonight.
yes, I cried again.
i think i really have got myself into a serious trouble, that i’m afraid i won’t be able to handle it or stop it from going further. as usual, every now and then, I know deep inside that I should not be like this, but it’s something out of control, beyond any of my will to stop it. I can’t stop it, I wish I can. It ruins my own ability to be calm and steady.
i feel terrible, and right now I realize that I shouldn’t be thinking of this problem, since I need to concentrate on Friday. God, I beg you to have control, because I can’t control myself right now, or to submit myself to you. i feel terrible once again, so terrible. there’s nothing worse could make me hate myself than times like this.
do i have to deny my own feeling, God? do i need to let go? how can i be right before you? do i need to forgive myself? forgive myself from doing what?
I wish I know how. I’m totally lost. Everywhere I go, I’m stuck with this.
I think I sound desperate enough.
“You might have called me,” I decided.
He was puzzled. “But I knew you were safe.”
“But I didn’t know where you were. I –” I hesitated, dropping my eyes.
“What?” His velvety voice was compelling.
“I didn’t like it. Not seeing you. It makes me anxious, too.” I blushed to be saying this out loud.
…
…
“Will I see you tomorrow?” I demanded.
“Yes, I have a paper due, too.” He smiled. “I’ll save you a seat at lunch.”
It was silly, after everything we’d been through tonight, how that little promise sent flutters through my stomach, and made me unable to speak.
from: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
Ooo… I like this book 
so…
with a good intention, i went to church for easter. turned out to be not so well, since the sermon is as usual boring, and today i couldn’t survive, i was so sleepy. I couldn’t remember every single details about the sermon. after having this and that, i decided to go straight home.
it’s weird, how i could be so affected by only a presence of a person. i’d rather be free, not dependent like this, it’s not healthy i know. i wish i know how to stop this, before it’s gone even too far.
everything seems unwell to me, checked on the email, read some emails from a couple of people, and it struck my heart again, i think my heart is so fragile right now. anything probably could attack and stomp it on the floor. it means that i begin to want something again. and when you don’t get what you want or when you feel that you would never get what you want, it’s not a good feeling in here.
i’d better just study and stop hoping for silly things. enough for today. I’m tired of feeling sad.
i don’t know,
if feeling jealous
can make someone hard to sleep
can make someone dream weird
it can soak you up to the bottom
til you feel powerless
it can make you think like a fool
it can make you cursing the white snow
it can make you cry when you have no wounds
it can make you think about the person even more
it can make you blame yourself
it can make you wanna stop
it can make you wish today ends faster
it can make you care less about food
it can make you see the phone like a freak
waiting for a message that would never be sent
it can make you wish and wish harder
it can make you talk to yourself even more
it can make you frown
it absorbs yourself
filled with self-pity
it can make you hate someone, or them both
it can make you dry
it can make you not wanting to read your novel
it can make you just sit there
and do nothing
God, please take it away
whatever it is.
now i cry
over a silly thing
for you it might sound silly
for me it’s not
cos the silly thing
is you
hi blog,
i can’t stand it, suddenly this morning i feel that an ocean of sadness is rushing into my heart. I cannot hide it well, what for anyway? I’m alone now. Actually, have sensed it since last night. I feel so sad now. Sad… sad… what should i do to ease the pain? my brain said one thing, but my heart keeps sensing to lose its mind. It hurts.
- Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
-
- Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.
- Inclined to suspect rivalry.
- Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.
- Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name.
- Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.
I’m definitely jealous.
see, a friend just called me to ask what I’m up to tonight, and said he would do things with the other 2 friends at his place and told me perhaps they would stop by at my place, since they know that I’m gonna be alone tonight. I said lightly, I’d prefer if they check it out again later, coz maybe I want to study and don’t want any company.
On second thoughts, after I hung up, I thought perhaps he wants to come so he doesn’t need to take one of the friends (a girl) home late at night, so she could sleep at my place. I was thinking that way, dunno why, I just had that feeling, like a hunch. And I know for sure, I don’t want anyone to sleep here tonight, well not that girl. It’s not that I don’t like her, I like her, but I just don’t want her to spend the night tonight. That’s it. It becomes like a tradition that he doesn’t want to walk her home, and simply tell her to sleep at my place. That’s not nice, since he should ask me first, right?
I feel slightly guilty for feeling or thinking that way, but am I wrong to want to have my own privacy? and to turn down a request to spend the night? I don’t think so.
And about the hunch thing, I hope I’m wrong.
